Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Snake Bit:People who respond “maybe attending” to Facebook invites.

Snake Jacobs has invited you to the event, “People who hit maybe attending are assholes.”

First of all, if you really aren’t sure if you’re attending don’t click anything. Everyone knows that “awaiting reply” is the same thing as I’m not sure yet. In this age of blackberry’s and iphones everyone sees the invitation the minute it’s sent out.

For everyone else who doesn’t work a real job, you pretty much know if you are going to an event the minute you see it. If it’s an invite from someone from college who you rarely see and don’t even know their real first name, click “not attending” right away.

Blank “the tank” Blankenberg has invited you to the event, “I’m turning 24. Let’s break shit.”

“Damn that was the Tanks first name. Not attending.”

Secondly, if the invite is from a close friend or a hot girl, click “attending.” It’s not a lifetime commitment. I’ve never heard of manslaughter as a result from people saying they would attend a party but never showed up.

But still, you are actually clicking the “maybe attending” button on a Facebook event? Wow! Keep us on the edge of our seat. “Holy shit, did you see Lebron James is maybe attending the event!” That would be exciting. Not, “Wow Dante Leibowitz is maybe attending. Who the fuck is Dante Leibowitz(foreshadow)?” Do you see the difference? Nobody cares if you might be showing up. It doesn’t change my RSVP at all. The fact that you clicked “maybe attending” makes me not want you to show up at all. “Wow you are so slick Dante! You kept your status at “maybe attending” and then showed up anyway. What a pleasant surprise. We are so happy you made it! I put Exlax in your vodka tonic! Have a good night!”

Lastly, do not write on the wall. “Hey dude, I’m flying back from Cali that day. I’ll try to swing by for a little.” The way I interpret that is, “Hey I’m a huge loser and want to announce to everyone that I was just in California. I was actually with my parent’s visiting my sister at Pepperdine but I’m gonna tell everyone I partied at USC with smoking hot girls. I won’t be able to make it because I’m still hung over from those wine coolers I managed to get at the hotel but hopefully people will call me from the open bar asking if I’m almost there.”

Congratulations “maybe attending” Facebook event responders. You just got Snake Bit.