Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Snake Bit:People who respond “maybe attending” to Facebook invites.

Snake Jacobs has invited you to the event, “People who hit maybe attending are assholes.”

First of all, if you really aren’t sure if you’re attending don’t click anything. Everyone knows that “awaiting reply” is the same thing as I’m not sure yet. In this age of blackberry’s and iphones everyone sees the invitation the minute it’s sent out.

For everyone else who doesn’t work a real job, you pretty much know if you are going to an event the minute you see it. If it’s an invite from someone from college who you rarely see and don’t even know their real first name, click “not attending” right away.

Blank “the tank” Blankenberg has invited you to the event, “I’m turning 24. Let’s break shit.”


“Damn that was the Tanks first name. Not attending.”

Secondly, if the invite is from a close friend or a hot girl, click “attending.” It’s not a lifetime commitment. I’ve never heard of manslaughter as a result from people saying they would attend a party but never showed up.

But still, you are actually clicking the “maybe attending” button on a Facebook event? Wow! Keep us on the edge of our seat. “Holy shit, did you see Lebron James is maybe attending the event!” That would be exciting. Not, “Wow Dante Leibowitz is maybe attending. Who the fuck is Dante Leibowitz(foreshadow)?” Do you see the difference? Nobody cares if you might be showing up. It doesn’t change my RSVP at all. The fact that you clicked “maybe attending” makes me not want you to show up at all. “Wow you are so slick Dante! You kept your status at “maybe attending” and then showed up anyway. What a pleasant surprise. We are so happy you made it! I put Exlax in your vodka tonic! Have a good night!”



Lastly, do not write on the wall. “Hey dude, I’m flying back from Cali that day. I’ll try to swing by for a little.” The way I interpret that is, “Hey I’m a huge loser and want to announce to everyone that I was just in California. I was actually with my parent’s visiting my sister at Pepperdine but I’m gonna tell everyone I partied at USC with smoking hot girls. I won’t be able to make it because I’m still hung over from those wine coolers I managed to get at the hotel but hopefully people will call me from the open bar asking if I’m almost there.”

Congratulations “maybe attending” Facebook event responders. You just got Snake Bit.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Snake Bit: Real World Brooklyn


This is the true story... of eight strangers(even though two of them are from Salt Lake City)... picked to live in a house...work together(none of them work together) and have their lives taped... to find out what happens... when people stop being polite... and start getting real(boring)...The Real World.


Every Wednesday I waste an hour of my life hoping that something will actually happen. Something crazy is bound to happen, right? It's kind of like the quiet before the storm. Only I have given up, and now literally wait for an actual storm to destroy the house and entire cast. A tornado or tsunami would be fine. Even a fire would be sufficient.

First of all, Brooklyn! Come on! Real World Brooklyn? What's next? Real World Omaha? Real World Boca Raton? Who cares about Brooklyn. Here's a more exciting scenario: Real World My Parent's Basement. This is the third season in New York. Put on your creative pants and pick a better city.

Secondly, this is possibly the worst cast ever created. Here’s how you know that you fucked up. While reviewing the final cast members, you look at the roster and realized that you picked two people from Salt Lake City, Utah. Seriously? If you were going to pick a city and choose two people from that area, would Salt Lake City be the one?Bangor, Maine would have been a smarter choice. The 0-16 Detroit Lions were casted better. Pacman Jones and his crew is a smarter choice. Keenan Thompson on SNL is even better.

MTV should think about kicking people off the season like one of the Challenges ie; The Gauntlet or The Duel. Those shows have excitement. The people are so worried about going home, that they throw out all inhibition and act on animal instincts. It makes for good t.v. Instead they allow this mind numbing juxtaposition of real life and common street trash.

In the beginning of every episode they provide a brief recap reminding us of previous events. How dare you remind me! Why even do that? Here's a generic recap that can be used before every episode:
"Previously on the Real World, Katelynn grossed everyone out when she walked around in her underwear exposing her bulge and talking about her procedure. Ryan made fun of her and the other cast mates. Chet wore skinny jeans and tried to break through as a TRL VJ only to realize that he is the only person who didn't know the show got cancelled. Scott worked out and ate more protein while Devyn flirted with him and stayed up late talking on the phone. Baya got accepted into a dancing program but decided that walking around the house in sweatpants and talking to the tattooed girl took up too much time. J.D. wore bright colored bandanas and overly exaggerated v-neck shirts."
Then start the show.

Incase you haven’t watched this season(I’m very jealous of you), I have provided very detailed character descriptions that will allow you to understand what normal viewers go through every week.

Katelynn:
She's your typical girl next door. If you live next door to the Adam's Family or a back alley in Vietnam. Oh man, I just imagined her procedure and threw up on myself!


Scott:
Abs are a good way to impress girls but are ineffective if you never meet any of them. He has the personality of a punching dummy that you get from The Sports Authority.


Ryan:
He is the only person who has potential. On any other season he would fit in as funny cast member. Instead his pranks go unappreciated and he is forced to create his own silent films. I bet a normal day in Gettysburg is more exciting than his stint on the show. If I were him, I’d ask for a refund.

Chet:
He thinks he’s some innovator with fresh new ideas. In Salt Lake City, he probably has a unique style. That’s compared to conservative mormons though. In NYC and LA everyone wears skinny jeans. He tries to stick out, but if I saw him on the subway I would just think he was the tour manager for Yellowcard.

Baya:
I can’t tell if she is somewhat attractive or just looks decent compared to the other mutants. What I do know is the only thing worse than one cast member from SLC who doesn’t drink or have sex, is two cast members from SLC that don’t drink or have sex. She rarely gets drunk and hasn’t hooked up once. Ryan has a girlfriend. So what! Find some random dude and take him to the jacuzzi.

Sarah:
She should team up with Ryan in the army. Her scratchy, whiny voice should be used to torture POWs. I also keep getting her mixed up with Tom DeLonge from Blink 182.


J.D.:
Until last episode, I thought his name was D.J. Probably the least exciting gay guy in Real World history.

Devyn:
The only thing worse than a know-it-all, is a know-it-all who doesn’t know anything. She was the Miss Teen USA in 2005. A great prerequisite for an eventual coke fiend, or centerfold for Hustler magazine...or both.

Thank you MTV for wasting my time. You took advantage of millions of viewers. Now you have to put these idiots on the Challenges. Good luck with that.

Congratulations Real World. You just got Snake Bit.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Snake Bit: Eric Devendouche


In honor of the NCAA tournament I figure I'd kick off my new segment "Snake Bit" with a verbal beat down of Syracuse guard and complete scumbag Eric Devendorf. You would think that the fourth best player on the team (fifth if that idiot Onuaku had any offensive game) would have a little more class and composure. Not Devendouche though. He has been broadcasting his classless ignorance since the 9th grade, when he got tired of the kids calling him Devendork, took off his glasses, got a tattoo on his neck and transferred to Oak Hill Academy.


He wasn't fooling anyone though. His wannabe thug life continued in college. Earlier this season, he got thrown out of school when he kicked a girl's car and then threw her to the ground. Somehow he was allowed back in. Later he was pulled over and given a ticket by the Syracuse Police. You think Gerry Mac ever got pulled over at Syracuse? No way.

Devendorf recently stamped his ticket in the Douchebag Hall of Fame when he hit a three vs. UConn after the buzzer thinking that he won the game. He jumped on the scorer's table and began celebrating while everyone looked at him in shock. It wasn't until the scorekeeper grabbed his foot and said, "The shot didn't count. Get the fuck off the table, you delinquent bastard." This will surely not be the end of his antics.

I can see the future for Devendouche.

Here's a short timeline:

March 2009- Arizona State beats Syracuse in the second round. Devendorf accuses team of being lazy. Cheerleader accuses Devendorf of date rape.

June 2009- Devendorf prematurely declares for the draft. He shows up to the green room without being invited, wearing his grill that he bought with an advance. Security asks him to leave. Then he pushes a girl to the ground and calls her a cunt. The commissioner asks, "Who is that guy?"

Three hours later- He gets pulled over with a gun and an empty bottle of Hennessey.

Two months later- Jim Boeheim pulls some strings and gets him a tryout with the Nuggets. Joking around he calls J.R. Smith the N word and gets punched in the mouth. Carmelo Anthony even kicks the Syracuse Alum in the kidney. Stephen A. Smith officially declares Devendorf a bust.

September 2009- Devendork signs a contract to play in Turkey. He is the sixth man and spends his off time traveling around Europe hoping to be confused with Paul Wall and K Fed.

2011- After two seasons in Turkey, Devendorf returns to the U.S. He's seen trying to get into Lebron James party with Dajuan Wagner. They get denied.

2012- He gets paid 500 dollars each time for submitting posts on fmylife.com


Congratulations Eric Devendorf. You just got Snake Bit.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Meet Tom

The people have spoken.  Tom is sitting on top of the pole.  Before I talk about hanging out with him, I'll use one of his quotes,"First to understand this story," you have to see this video.  It will give you a little perspective on his lifestyle.  Here's a little background on the events leading up to this particular night.  Snake Jacobs, 3.14, and T Marks the Spot had just moved into a house in Albany, NY.  We decided to go out drinking to celebrate.  We were all pretty drunk but apparently not as drunk as T.  Directly before this video was taken, he had been sleeping on the couch on our front porch for about an hour until he heard the music.  He can never resist Hillary Duff...




http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YBYTlWCinEM&feature=user

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Living above the influence? part 2

After I wrote the blog about "what has weed done for you," I started to think it would be cool to actually see that commercial.  I guess others did too.  Now thanks to Lu.Kiss and his creative genius, that thought has become reality.  He submitted this little diddy earlier today.  Here is "Living Under the Influence."  Enjoy!


video

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Snake Jacobs is a Reference!

* If you have already received & responded to this questionnaire please disregard. Thank you! **
Dear Snake Jacobs:

I am the Intake Specialist at Big Brothers Big Sisters of NYC. Your name has been given to us by Clyde to support his/her application to volunteer as a Big Brother/Sister.

Since 1904, Big Brothers Big Sisters of NYC has matched children with screened, trained, and regularly supervised mentors for one-to-one friendships. Mentors are volunteers who serve as positive, adult role models and who help to expand children's horizons and enrich their futures. Volunteers commit to spending 8 hours per month for a minimum of 1 year with a child in the community.

With that in mind, please answer all of the following questions to the best of your ability. Your answers will help us to determine if this applicant is appropriate for our program. All information you provide is kept STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL and will not be shared with the applicant.

Please complete the following questions as soon as possible so as not delay this person's application process!

Sincerely,

Intake Specialist


                                REFERENCE QUESTIONNAIRE
YOUR FULL NAME:
Snake Jacobs

PHONE #: yea right


1. How long have you known the applicant? 20 years.

2. In what capacity have you known the applicant? My best friend.

3. What do you consider the applicant's strengths? Not working with kids. Getting belligerent drunk and yelling at girls.  

4. What do you consider the applicants weaknesses? Being responsible, taking care of himself, acting like an adult.

5. Do you know of any reason why the applicant would not be appropriate to
work with a child on a one-to-one basis? Definitely.  How many do you need?  How bout his addiction to strip clubs and river boat gambling trips?

6. Do you feel the applicant would serve as a positive role model for a child?  Pacman Jones is a better role model.

Would you trust the applicant to spend time with a child you love? Why/why not?  If Michael Jackson and R. Kelly were one person, I would trust that guy more than Clyde.

7. If applicable, please comment on the applicant’s home environment and living situation..
Two words... Shit Hole

8. Where do you see the applicant in five years?  Being a shitty father to his 4 illigitimate kids.

Thank you for your time!
Sorry for wasting yours.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Living above the influence?

  Have you seen that new above the influence commercial?  "What has weed done for you?"  There are a bunch of kids and cheesy music.  One of the girls says, "I got straight Ds."  It's actually pretty funny.  I thought it was clever the first time I saw it.  If you don't know what I'm talking about here's the link: What has weed done for you?

After seeing the commercial a few times I started to think of the opposite side.  They very creatively showed the negative sides to smoking, but what positive things have come from weed?  I think it's only fair for people to see the pros and cons before people decide whether they want to smoke or not.  So if i had the resources here's the commercial that I would create.  

In the background "Eye of the Tiger" would be playing or "You're the Best Around."

It would start with Michael Phelps wearing all his gold medals, "I won 14 gold medals!"
Then Lil Wayne, "I sold 3 million records and won 4 grammy awards!"
Then Seth Rogen, "I wrote Superbad!"
Then Allen Iverson, "I'm a 10 time NBA all-star and the 2001 NBA MVP!"
Then Randy Moss, "I caught 23 touchdown passes in 2007!"
Ending with Bill Clinton, "I was the president of the United States of America!"

What has weed done for you?