Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Snake Bit: Real World Brooklyn

This is the true story... of eight strangers(even though two of them are from Salt Lake City)... picked to live in a house...work together(none of them work together) and have their lives taped... to find out what happens... when people stop being polite... and start getting real(boring)...The Real World.

Every Wednesday I waste an hour of my life hoping that something will actually happen. Something crazy is bound to happen, right? It's kind of like the quiet before the storm. Only I have given up, and now literally wait for an actual storm to destroy the house and entire cast. A tornado or tsunami would be fine. Even a fire would be sufficient.

First of all, Brooklyn! Come on! Real World Brooklyn? What's next? Real World Omaha? Real World Boca Raton? Who cares about Brooklyn. Here's a more exciting scenario: Real World My Parent's Basement. This is the third season in New York. Put on your creative pants and pick a better city.

Secondly, this is possibly the worst cast ever created. Here’s how you know that you fucked up. While reviewing the final cast members, you look at the roster and realized that you picked two people from Salt Lake City, Utah. Seriously? If you were going to pick a city and choose two people from that area, would Salt Lake City be the one?Bangor, Maine would have been a smarter choice. The 0-16 Detroit Lions were casted better. Pacman Jones and his crew is a smarter choice. Keenan Thompson on SNL is even better.

MTV should think about kicking people off the season like one of the Challenges ie; The Gauntlet or The Duel. Those shows have excitement. The people are so worried about going home, that they throw out all inhibition and act on animal instincts. It makes for good t.v. Instead they allow this mind numbing juxtaposition of real life and common street trash.

In the beginning of every episode they provide a brief recap reminding us of previous events. How dare you remind me! Why even do that? Here's a generic recap that can be used before every episode:
"Previously on the Real World, Katelynn grossed everyone out when she walked around in her underwear exposing her bulge and talking about her procedure. Ryan made fun of her and the other cast mates. Chet wore skinny jeans and tried to break through as a TRL VJ only to realize that he is the only person who didn't know the show got cancelled. Scott worked out and ate more protein while Devyn flirted with him and stayed up late talking on the phone. Baya got accepted into a dancing program but decided that walking around the house in sweatpants and talking to the tattooed girl took up too much time. J.D. wore bright colored bandanas and overly exaggerated v-neck shirts."
Then start the show.

Incase you haven’t watched this season(I’m very jealous of you), I have provided very detailed character descriptions that will allow you to understand what normal viewers go through every week.

She's your typical girl next door. If you live next door to the Adam's Family or a back alley in Vietnam. Oh man, I just imagined her procedure and threw up on myself!

Abs are a good way to impress girls but are ineffective if you never meet any of them. He has the personality of a punching dummy that you get from The Sports Authority.

He is the only person who has potential. On any other season he would fit in as funny cast member. Instead his pranks go unappreciated and he is forced to create his own silent films. I bet a normal day in Gettysburg is more exciting than his stint on the show. If I were him, I’d ask for a refund.

He thinks he’s some innovator with fresh new ideas. In Salt Lake City, he probably has a unique style. That’s compared to conservative mormons though. In NYC and LA everyone wears skinny jeans. He tries to stick out, but if I saw him on the subway I would just think he was the tour manager for Yellowcard.

I can’t tell if she is somewhat attractive or just looks decent compared to the other mutants. What I do know is the only thing worse than one cast member from SLC who doesn’t drink or have sex, is two cast members from SLC that don’t drink or have sex. She rarely gets drunk and hasn’t hooked up once. Ryan has a girlfriend. So what! Find some random dude and take him to the jacuzzi.

She should team up with Ryan in the army. Her scratchy, whiny voice should be used to torture POWs. I also keep getting her mixed up with Tom DeLonge from Blink 182.

Until last episode, I thought his name was D.J. Probably the least exciting gay guy in Real World history.

The only thing worse than a know-it-all, is a know-it-all who doesn’t know anything. She was the Miss Teen USA in 2005. A great prerequisite for an eventual coke fiend, or centerfold for Hustler magazine...or both.

Thank you MTV for wasting my time. You took advantage of millions of viewers. Now you have to put these idiots on the Challenges. Good luck with that.

Congratulations Real World. You just got Snake Bit.

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